Oh, that playful Joy has a sweet hiding spot these days. I am having a difficult time finding it. I know it’s there, I know it will be back to play again but at the moment it is alluding me. Come out, come out wherever you are…It was not too many glasses of wines after I posted about “Finding Joy,” that I burst into tears and continued for two days to mourn Vinny’s impending trip to Rainbow Bridge.
Perhaps, my first post was to be a convincing one? Maybe the wine cut through my bullshit like butter? Anyone could see I was trying to have a pep talk with myself about the logical reaction I should strive for in the face of pain. This is why I took the link down about my relentless search for joy in everything….. Was I a fraud? After all, I kept saying things like I was lucky to be blessed with Vinny and it was all on my own terms. But, the truth is, on the inside I was aching that raw, can’t catch your breath kind of pain. The one makes you look deep into your soul and wonder how the HELL you’re going to make it out on the other side alive. I had just found out my best friend was dying and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it. Well, the fact is, I know everyone loses their pets, I know I must carry on and be strong for my sons, I know that to fall into the rabbit hole of despair would just be silly….but I’m sad damn it so, it shall be.
Then today I read a quote from the wisest creature of all; Winnie the Pooh… Pooh says, “How lucky am I to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.” This made me sigh a relief……I found you Joy, I found you!!! Being sad doesn’t always make you a fraud to joy. It doesn’t mean you’re doomed to a life of showerless mornings and uncombed hair. It doesn’t mean that you won’t ever hear the sound of your own laughter again. And It doesn’t always mean that all of your good intentions should be negated like misspelled words meeting white out. It means grab the broom when you see a million pieces of your heart shattered on the floor, because you can be both. You can be falling apart AND trying to pull it together. One does not equal the other. Sadness does not forever void you of happiness. Sadness dares you to stop it. Find a way; use everything in your arsenal. Use the kind words from your friends, use compassionate tears from your husband, use worry from your family, use old pictures and snuggling with your furry friend while you still can. Use God. Use maybe too confident words of encouragement from yourself, use wine, use smiles from your babies, and a trip to Margaritaville to forget. Use quotes from a silly yellow bear. Use whatever the hell you’ve got to find that joy, because it’s somewhere just waiting for you to find it.
I love you Vinny and I sure will miss you my friend.