I think on some level I always wanted to be a mother, though archaic me would deny and deny, even to the firing squad…. It was coveted but never really perceived and all that it would entail.  Patience and selflessness.  A love and worry so deep that it glides through organs and slices into your soul.  A new set of eyes, a second chance to relish, a tired like no other.  To be a mom is so much harder.  My lie detector would be making mountains if I said I never thought “what the hell was I thinking?” on some days.  But on most days… being a mother makes me so much richer; richer with wonder. I wonder how I would breathe if I couldn’t hold my babies everyday.  I wonder if the women I love without kids realize that their mama role just takes another form. I wonder how difficult it is to want a child with every single cell yet be unable to will it true.  I wonder if all the moms I know, realize how proud and judge-free I am of them, simply because they show up everyday.  I wonder if God knows how thankful I am to have this job even though I don’t always act it.  I wonder if there is a way I can reach all the mommy’s to be and tell ’em hold on, you’re in for the ride of a lifetime.  I wonder if my mom knows that I now know.  I know how much she loves me and that she went to battle with me because she went to battle for me.  I wonder how all those who lost their mommies are holding up today and I hope they know, they are in my prayers always.   I wonder how mothers without disposable diapers and the threat of polio made it, back when the going was  really tough .  I wonder if I’ll live up to the mom I want to be and I wonder if all the other mamas out there wonder as much as me.  That richness,  wonder and worry is my journey now… and though sometimes I feel I don’t deserve it or I pinch myself because I can’t believe it,  I want to thank old “let’s just do it” me because I  never knew it could be so grand.

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Thanks for capturing this moment Aunt Cindy

Thanks for capturing this moment Aunt Cindy

Happy Mother’s Day to all my mama bears…whether you are relishing, denying or just don’t know yet.   I love what you’re doing and I love your path so very much.

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