I think on some level I always wanted to be a mother, though archaic me would deny and deny, even to the firing squad…. It was coveted but never really perceived and all that it would entail. Patience and selflessness. A love and worry so deep that it glides through organs and slices into your soul. A new set of eyes, a second chance to relish, a tired like no other. To be a mom is so much harder. My lie detector would be making mountains if I said I never thought “what the hell was I thinking?” on some days. But on most days… being a mother makes me so much richer; richer with wonder. I wonder how I would breathe if I couldn’t hold my babies everyday. I wonder if the women I love without kids realize that their mama role just takes another form. I wonder how difficult it is to want a child with every single cell yet be unable to will it true. I wonder if all the moms I know, realize how proud and judge-free I am of them, simply because they show up everyday. I wonder if God knows how thankful I am to have this job even though I don’t always act it. I wonder if there is a way I can reach all the mommy’s to be and tell ’em hold on, you’re in for the ride of a lifetime. I wonder if my mom knows that I now know. I know how much she loves me and that she went to battle with me because she went to battle for me. I wonder how all those who lost their mommies are holding up today and I hope they know, they are in my prayers always. I wonder how mothers without disposable diapers and the threat of polio made it, back when the going was really tough . I wonder if I’ll live up to the mom I want to be and I wonder if all the other mamas out there wonder as much as me. That richness, wonder and worry is my journey now… and though sometimes I feel I don’t deserve it or I pinch myself because I can’t believe it, I want to thank old “let’s just do it” me because I never knew it could be so grand.
Happy Mother’s Day to all my mama bears…whether you are relishing, denying or just don’t know yet. I love what you’re doing and I love your path so very much.