You knew it was going to happen. You knew I would regurgitate all that happened during the GiGi’s walk in a heap of goodness at your feet. You knew I would speak of unprecedented decency and love so big that it explodes into a million tiny hearts bursting with even more love. You knew it was coming and so here it is…
The day was perfect and while you may assume I mean the weather; I mean everything! The sun was doing its best work on this day and so were it’s friends breeze and humidity. It was a delivery by Mother Nature to the set the pace for such a day. As we rolled to the event minivan style, i wore my nerves like a t-shirt. My heart quickened and anxiety bubbled in my throat. I don’t know why exactly, but these events invoke excitability as certain as monthly bills. To try and calm myself, I played Bill Withers “Lovely Day” ( which has now become Judah’s theme song of sorts) and I got the weepies as he belted “when the day that lies ahead of you seems impossible to face….then I look at you”…. because I will always remember the feeling of the day that was impossible to face. I will never forget how I wanted a different life. I can’t believe that was me just 9 months ago. Now every time I look at Judah he changes me. Just looking at him has this effect where I become a better version of myself. I have no idea how he does it but I swear this kid has magic.
So, anyway, the weepies finally faded and edgy energy returned. Bobby , the poor soul, felt the brunt of it. He was witness to the type of fret that makes me feel that we don’t have enough time and everything needs to be done yesterday. Bobby’s predictable calmness eventually soothed me and I approached the tent all smiles. Our friends and family started rolling in with their mismatch socks and beaming all sorts of yellow and blue outfit combos. I passed out balloons that happily bopped and bragged #joysofjudah. We lined up and we walked. Friends and family joined together for one cause of kindness. I can barely believe it. I hope every person gets to feel as lucky and as loved as I felt this day. The walk for us was short (I think only two out of the 30 plus #joysofjudah walkers finished the thing) but the moment was mesmerizing. I can’t explain how it feels to see what one little baby, with one little extra chromosome can conjure up. I can’t explain how it feels to have so many people who don’t really understand your new normal join you anyway, because they love you, and they love your son. They support what you’re going through even if its as invisible to them as their very own breath. I can’t explain how it feels to watch one little boy awaken so much tenderness in all the people you love so that it’s seeping everywhere like too-full Tupperware.
I can’t explain how it feels to meet other families who couldn’t wait to cut hospital bracelets off either. Ones who had to go many more times than us and stay for much longer. I can’t explain how reassuring it is to know that there are people out there who know EXACTLY what we are going through. People who can look at our soul like they are looking at a mirror. It is all so much. So many people swirling around you making you feel the warmness and giddiness and intoxication of one too many Tito’s. People who love your baby because they love you and other people who love your baby because they know.
It’s a feeling I hope never leaves. It’s intense and it is divinity; I can tell you that. God put these gifts here for us. I’m sure of it. He sprinkled in these little wonders to make us better, to make us band together, and to save us from that side of ourselves we don’t like very much. He strategically placed these little souls like chess pieces to help us be grander, more like Him. The coolest part is that He picked our family. I get to be the one who has the feel goods and pass them like the perfect spiral. I get to see transformations all around me, help open eyes, do His work, be lighter than I’ve ever been….and I get to share it. You can’t keep a loveliness like this to yourself; your heart will burst.
I completely loved this day. I love my little Bubba and what he’s doing just by existing in this world. I love the gift of GiGi’s and the way their acceptance is a tidal wave. I love seeing other littles like my Judah and watching to see what he may do one day. I love this life, this gift, my tribe. I love it all. It is so much more like a wonderful, wild dream than the silly nightmare it was born from.