Today is a different kind of day.  It is not one coated in that sticky sweet support that makes my blog do a happy dance.  It is not the kind of day where Judah’s possibilities are endless, his something extra is a gift,  and I see him as more alike than different. Today is not that kind of day.  Today whispers “what if” in my ear on repeat.  Today in the back of my head, other ideas are sitting down, having coffee and listing all the limitations that can limit.  I know why these thoughts are sitting at my table, uninvited, despite the sign that clearly reads “confidence building comments only please.” 

You see, thoughts are born from something.  Words are typed because a thought was born, and our energy is what perpetuates it.  We can deem it unimportant and easily will it to flee. We can be consumed by it and give that thought the power.  Or we can do what I am about to do here today. We can acknowledge its presence, how it got here, maybe learn a little something and then send it back out into the universe from which it came

I recognize that I am struggling a bit .  I know why.  I know how this weekend played out and how it played a part in my current wavering…. I hung out with some adults who have Down syndrome Friday night and these two new friends were something special; inspiring even!!!! That being said, I saw the delays, the ones I don’t see with Judah yet….because, well, Judah is still a baby and with babies delay is the name of the game. Doubt nudged me a bit after that. Then there was the girl I saw with Down syndrome who was pulling people’s hair, and hitting herself  in frustration. Judah hits himself when he is mad and quite often pulls hair. I stopped dismissing these things as silly naughtiness a bit after that.  I told Judah’s therapist how he loves to make people clap and went as far as to say that he’s obsessed with it…she told me to look for signs of self stimulating because patterns and obsessions  are a sign of autism. Today I’m a bit more speculative about our cool clapping parties . 

Today I wonder. Today I’m a little more sensitive…today I feel maybe a little disillusioned with my grandiose plans for my juju. And that is ok. A day to contemplate and place that check mark next to reality is ok. I’m allowing myself today. Because tomorrow there will be no time for wallowing. Tomorrow we have work to do. Tomorrow it’s back to boundary busting business…and you have no idea how much I am looking forward to tomorrow.