Dear little me,
life-long lover of the written word…
It’s your 45th birthday today! You made it through some shit, a lot of shit to be exact (sorry for swearing…it seems weird cursing to a baby….but then again it’s odd writing a letter to a baby so ….) Where was I? Yes, some shit. You have fought and clawed through this life with demons and battles that may have destroyed others…and you survived! Not only did you survive but you are thriving. Do you want to know how little ol’ innocent you,who hasn’t been bent or broken yet, managed? One word…. LOVE! You are so loved. You have been so loved in this life. You’ve been kicked and gotten some metaphorical karate chops to the face but you’ve been saved by love….and therapy and Lexapro….but mostly love. From the most handsome, doting husband to the most endearing first born a mother could ask for. You have a child with special needs too (can you stand it?) and he makes every single thing in your life more special. You have a spirited little surprise child who keeps you young and makes you feel 45 all the same. You have so many friends; silver and gold and a family who makes your heart get to the heart of what matters. This year was your year to heal. You made a pact with yourself on New Year’s Eve that you would finally unpack all that baggage that life handed you in the last 45 years and learn from it. Learn from it you did…
You are a perfectionist. A perfectionist is not a person who needs their house in a meticulous order (although that can be part of it) but one who puts unrealistic expectations on themselves that they would never put on anyone else. The cure? It’s not a magic potion… but rather recognition and saying “delete” to anything unkind that you are serving at your well-being buffet.
Self sabotage is your worst enemy. Actually, self-sabotage and Imposter syndrome are in a gang together that try to wreak havoc on your self esteem. But, you don’t believe those jerks anymore. Their gig is up. You recognize that the stories they tell you aren’t the truth and the truth is: you are doing a great job!!!!
You are a fixer. It’s a type of control….but the good kind. You try to fix everything and everyone all the time because you are in a constant state of trying to make sure nothing bad happens ever again. It’s exhausting…. and impossible. So, you’re doing your very best to let go of the un-fixable and working more towards acceptance and being.
You are so loved. Period. This is what I want you to know the most. You are so lucky to be so loved. And at 45 you are finally loved by the most important person of all…
Never give up, life has some incredible surprises in store.
Happy birthday. I love you.
I’m lingering lovelier than I idled at the start
Knowing I’m lounging in the middle of its heart.
I’m taking in the sticky….the sun sticking around.
I’m buzzing like the bumbles across this whole damn town.
I’m smelling, tasting, and listening to it all.
I’m adoring all the lushness
before the leaves begin to fall.
I’m taking in the harmony of cicada sounds
and the fire of flies that illuminate the grounds.
Half of me keeps wishing
all my days could be like this.
Half knows, if it was so,
I’d say bye to beholden bliss.
Soon, sun-kissed skin
will be replaced with sweaters…
and those moments, make these ones
come together that much better.